It happens all the time, maybe it is when you turn up at work, maybe at a wedding or a family party or even sometimes just when you pull up in the street. Worst thing is that you know it is going to happen, you can see them approaching and there is nothing you can do about it except keep your crash helmet on or growl. Yep, I am talking about those people who come up to you and ask you a stupid question about your bike. Let’s take a look at some of the classics…
Is this your bike?
“No I am just looking after it for the pope” Of course it is my fucking bike, why else would I be climbing off it, taking the keys out of the ignition and wearing a crash helmet? Come on, if they want to talk at least come up with an original opening question.
Don’t you get wet in the rain?
“No I went to Hogwarts and learned a magic spell that makes rain evaporate 10cm away from my body”. Of course I get wet, they know this…unless they are incredibly stupid, which they might be if they are asking you this question. Best thing to do in this situation is empty a bucket of water over them and then ask “Are you wet?” Ok I know, I don’t carry a bucket full of water either but spitting is rude!
Can I have a go?
“Can I punch you in the head?” Unless they have a nice car that they will give me the keys to, or a great big pile of cash there is no way they are getting on the bike…well unless I am drunk and they are very cute!
Doesn’t it hurt when you crash?
“No, I was born on Krypton” What horrible accident have these people had that didn’t hurt? Don’t answer that, it was obviously the one that removed their common sense.
My brother / sister / husband died on a motorcycle.
“I am sorry for your loss and thank you so much for reminding me of my own mortality. I never knew that bike accidents can be fatal and from now on I will not leave my settee just in case I trip over the cat and die” Honestly, it is sad but hasn’t it occurred to these people that we are part of that culture and very probably we have had friends that have passed away…we know and we still do it and you won’t change our minds, but thanks for caring!
And if you ride an old Ducati, “Damn what’s wrong with your bike?”
“Wow, thanks for telling me, I had never noticed that my bike sounds like the engine is falling apart. I will go to the mechanics immediately” Actually this is a totally understandable question and quite possibly a correct one!
I suppose in the end we should be grateful that people do ask, it shows that they are curious and if they are curious enough then maybe they will take the plunge and join us out on the road one day….of course they will probably be squids or weekend warriors but hey at least they won’t be asking stupid questions any more…well not those stupid questions anyway!